Holtville Tribune Police Briefs

The following are unedited summaries of actual calls to the Holtville Police Department and 911 emergency line. Holtville is a town of about 5,000 people and is the self-proclaimed carrot capital of the world - a title they celebrate with their annual Carrot Carnival.
The NUMEROUS grammatical, spelling, punctuation and capitalization errors are duplicated as they appeared in their original form.
Remember when you read each one that the caller actually called the cops to report these "incidents". 

FLAG FOUND: It was reported that the caller found a U.S Flag taped to his truck in the morning before work, luckily the truck was not damaged in any way, the caller was advised of his options. 

THE SPOILED PACKAGE: It was reported from Mack Park, that a wrapped Christmas present was found in the area, after several inspections, it was found to be a dirty sock.

GARDENER ON THE PROWL: It was reported from 600 block of E Rose, that a prowler is on the backyard, an officer passed thru and found that it was just the gardener.

TRYING: It was reported from 700 block of Circle, that an elderly woman was at her home trying to take something, the elderly woman stated that it was hers, she left before an office arrived. Run Grandma, run! 

ADMIRING THE FLOWERS: It was reported from in front of 600 block of Chestnut, that a woman with grocery bags is talking and singing to herself, when contacted, she stated that she was just admiring the flowers and that she would now go home.

A BRISK WALK TO WORK?: It was reported, that dogs are chasing the caller again, she states disappointed, the caller was chased from her home all the way to work, the dog owners were not home at the time but will be contacted. 

TURTLE TURTLE: It was reported from 800 block Holt, that a run away turtle has been spotted by the neighbor, but then was picked up by an unknown subject, when asked he if had it, he stated that he didn't the caller was advised of her options.

SUSPICIOUS VEHICLE: It was reported from the 500 block of East 9th Street that a white car with tinted windows has been parked in front of their residence for days now.  It turned out to be the neighbor's brothers car.

THIS SEEMS UNFAIR: It was reported from the Holtville High School, that the caller's 16 year old daughter was beaten up by a 17 year old, the mother talked to the principal, she does have a meeting with the superintendent, who states that she will be suspended. Which "she"?

SAME LESSON, DIFFERENT DAY: It was reported from 600 block of holt, that a vehicle in the area always speeds and burns out of his driveway, the caller is tired of worrying that one day, someone will get hurt, the subject was unfounded. "unfounded"?

BEING FOLLOWED: It was reported from Holt Park, that the caller's ex-girlfriends mother is following him around everywhere, when contacted the mother stated that she was waiting for her daughter to get out of dance class.

HARD TIMES: It was reported from 1000 block of E 7th, that the caller's daughter is jealous of her new boyfriend, when contacted the daughter stated that her father died 4 years ago and doesn't agree with her mother dating again, they were given advice on their situation. OK, let's get this straight... some woman called the cops on her daughter because the daughter was jealous of her dating?

NOT HARRASING: It was reported from 1000 block of E Alamo, that the caller's ex-wife is harrasing the caller and that she is calling at all hours, when the ex-wife was contacted, she stated that she was checking on the kids.

TURN OFF MY WATER: It was reported from block of 600 Pine, that the callers sprinklers system has gone hay-wire, she can't control them and would like the water to her residence to be shut off, public utilities was contacted.

TAKEN: It was reported from 500 block of Figueroa, that a truck was broken into, his stereo and books were taken a report was taken. Huh? Was a report stolen, too? Remember, I don't edit them...  I just copy them exactly the way they're printed.

WHEN K-9'S ATTACK!: It was reported from 600 block E 3rd st, that the caller's inflatable pumpins in her front yard have been damaged by a dog, she was advised of her options.

A BILL!: It was reported from 500 block of W 8th st, that the caller's water has been turned off, but is still getting billed, he was advised to contact public works.  This guy called the cops about this?!

WHITE TRUCK: It was reported from Big John, that a white truck has been parked there since yesterday morning, and the clerk would like to know if it was stolen or abandoned, it turned out to belong to someone in El Centro.


This one should be called "He got weed! He got weed!" from the hilarious classic How Not to Get Your Ass Kicked by the Police by Chris Rock.

TRESPASSING? (Monday, Oct 3): It was reported from 400 block of W 7th St, that the caller 's girlfriend wants to go to his home to gather her belongings, the caller threatened her with trespassing, when he arrived home she was in his home an officer was sent to investigate.

WHAT DO THEY HAVE HERE? (Tuesday, Oct 4): It was reported from 400 block of 7th St, that while gathering her belongings she stumbled onto a small stash of marijuana, the male subject was booked. Another man busted by a mad woman.

PIT BULL: It was reported from 600 block of E 3rd, that there is a loose pitbull across the street, the caller is concerned that it may be vicious, upon inspection the pitbull turned out to be a boxer, and was retrieved by its owner. 

I FEEL THE NEED TO FEEL THE BREEZE BETWEEN MY KNEES: It was reported from 900 block of Holt, that the caller's neighbor's door is wide open, its been opened since morning at about 9:30 am, when contacted, the neighbor stated that they were just letting the breeze into their home.

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH: It was reported from 400 block of Pine, that suspicious people are wondering around the yard at night, neighboring businesses have been seeing humanoid shadows in the middle of the night, extra patrol is enforced. Ooooooh... humanoids are the worst kind of shadow-casters! 

BUSTED: It was reported from 6th and Orange that David Adrian Heraz was cited for being on the influence of maryjuana, he was cited and released. "on the influence of maryjuana"? I think the writer smoked some before writing this. 

HOW LAZY CAN ONE BE?: It was reported from Bib John, that someone has parked in the Handi-cap zone, the caller stated that they don't have a Handi-cap plates, the car was cited.

DISS GRUNTED EMPLOYEE: It was reported from the Valley Independent bank, that an employee is refusing to leave, he was advised to call back should he return. This doesn't even make sense.  And what does "diss grunted" mean? 

MACHETE: It was reported from 9th & Palm, that an unknown male is waving a machete around, when contacted he stated that he was trimming the hedges, he was advised to be careful.

MY ADDRESS, DIFF NAME: It was reported from HPD, that the victim has been receiving mail with his address but a different name, the male is concerned that this might be some time of identity theft, he was advised of his options.

THROWN THEN BOOM: It was reported rom 9th Walnut, that a subject was seen throwing something into his backyard followed by a small blast and smoke, it was dismissed as a firecracker.

WILD GOOSE CHASE: It was reported from the 800 block of Webb Avenue that a 17-year-old has gone missing from Calexico where he was staying with his aunt. His aunt stated that he might be at a residence on the 800 block of Webb.  An officer stopped by but didn't find him.  He was later found with his girlfriend.

VANDALS?: It was reported from South Webb that a resident's sprinklers were broken, and they might have been vandalized. An officer on the scene determined that they were not and a local maintenance worker fixed the problem.

WALKING: It was reported from the Alamo bridge on Evan Hewes Highway that a male subject, dirty in appearance, was seen walking into town.  He was possibly under the influence.  The caller was afraid that he might get hit by a passing car.  Contact was made and the man was alright.

THE ALARM: It was reported from the St Joseph's Church on the 500 block of Maple that the alarm was triggered.  An officer made an exterior and interior check and everything was okay.  A subject inside said that he had pressed the wrong button. There's at least one false alarm story every week.  The most I've counted in a single issue so far is three. (Maximum 16 police reports per issue.)

THEIRS A LESSON IN HERE SOMEWHERE: It was reported form 800 block of Elm , that the caller's unlocked vehicle was broken into, the car's stereo was broken into, it is an unknown model, but it was worth $300 dollars, no damage was made.   Holtville is no stranger to insurance fraud.

FED UP: It was reported from Walnut and 9th St, that the caller is fed up with all the parties that happen at the neighbors home, while the party was winding down, it started up again, the party was shut down, everyone sent home, the subjects parents were notified and were upset.

WHO'S RADIO IS THIS?: It was reported from Coolin Court that a loud radio is turned on, but no one is on site.  Upon closer observation, workers were found coming in and out of the building.  They agreed to turn down the radio a bit.

STICKY STUFF AND TOILET PAPER: It was reported from 1300 block of E 7th St, that the caller's white Chevy Cavalier was found with toilet paper and a sticky substance all over it, the caller was advised of his option.

SUSPICIOUS MALE: It was reported from 10th and Figueroa, that a suspicious 18 year old male is hiding behind a vehicle, the male subject was snooping around the area, he was gone. WTF?!

SUSPICIOUS: It was reported from  2200 block of Melon, that a suspicious vehicle is in the area, it is parked with its engine running, the vehicle was described as being a beige 97 Blazer, it turned out to be a Border Patrol vehicle.

WELFARE CHECK: It was reported from 500 block of Walnut that the caller would like a welfare check on his son who left in a Blue Expedition while he was under the influence of marijuana, her son was not found but seemed to be alright.

DIRTYING MY YARD!: It was reported from the 700 block of Pine that the caller's neighbor's dog was dragging dirt onto her yard.  The caller requested close patrol and was then advised of her options.  The neighbor was asked to keep his dog on a leash or in the backyard. 

The reports in this column illustrate just how difficult it is to be a kid in Holtville.  Adults ALWAYS call the cops on kids for stupid reasons.

JUMPING THE FENCE: It was reported from 7th and Web, that 10 kids were see jumping the fence, the caller would like an officer to drive by and scare the kids off, when contacted, their practice was just over and were about to go home. "Officer!  Come quickly!  Scare these kids away!  They're trying to get home!"  The real crime here is the number of grammatical errors published in the town's newspaper BY ADULTS. 

DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?: It was reported from 600 block of E 6th St, that 3 young kids are bothering the flag girls during their practices, the young kids were sent on their way. Help! Police!

MUST'VE BEEN A TEEN: It was reported from 700 block of Circle Drive, that a Jeep 4x4 is driving at high speeds and being reckless, the subjects were not found.

CHECKING IT OUT: It was reported , that that caller's dog s are barking and they usually   only bark when teenagers are vandalizing near by, an office drove by and did not find anyone. Again, the extra spaces and punctuation errors are all reproduced exactly as they appear in the paper.

PEEKING: It was reported from 800 block of Fig, that 3 teenagers are on the fence peeking and probably vandalizing his fence.  The area was checked but nothing turned up. 

A LOT OF JUVIES: It was reported from 800 block of Olive, that a lot of teenagers are loitering in the area, the caller is concerned that they might start trouble or break into her home, extra patrol was enforced. BTW, 800 block of Olive is where my grandma lives.  It's across the street from Holtville High School.  Of course teenagers are going to be hanging out there. 

CITY LIMITS: It was reported from Olive and 9th St, that 2 subjects on red and white Motor Dirt Bikes were riding on the streets with no helmets, the two teenagers were not found. People just hate teenagers in Holtville.  I'll bet they used the 911 emergency line to report this one.

LIL LEAGUE: It was reported from the Holtville LIttle League, that the groundskeeper is worried that the kids whom are loitering around will destroy his work before the season begins, the young kids were gone on arrival.

BRICKS: It was reported from 500 block  3rd st, that a few kids are throwing bricks at 3rd and Chestnut, upon arrival the officer saw a group of kids using bricks as goals, and were just playing soccer, they were advised to stay out of the street.

GET OUT OF THE STREET!!: It was reported from the corner of 5th and Holt that a few High School football players were selling discount cards around the neighborhood.  They were advised to stay out of the street, and to go home. Unf*&#ing believable.

COUNSEL: It was reported from the Holtville Police Department that a 15-year-old is giving his parents problems and an officer is needed to counsel him.  An officer advised him to take him to the school counselor.

KID'S GAMES: It was reported from 5th and Palm, that two 10 year old girls were waving down cars, the caller was concerned that something might be wrong, when contacted, they stated that they were playing, they were counseled. Poor little girls!  They were just waving at cars, and someone called the fuzz on them.

MUD TROUBLES: It was reported from 400 block of Grapes Ave, the kids are stirring up trouble by throwing mud balls at his residence and the Valley Inn's walls, the young scoundrel's were not found. SCOUNDRELS! 

DIRT BIKES + TEENAGERS - LACK OF SUPERVISION = BAD: It was reported from 500 block of Figueroa that a few teenagers are on Dirt Bikes in the area,  after a few close calls the loud dirt bikers were stopped and asked to park the bikes and never take them out in the city, due to city ordinance laws.   10 points if you spot the "math" error here (hint: think double-negative)

Want to start a Holtville-style Police Brief section in your own town's newspaper?  The general format goes like this...

1) Think of a title that's vaguely related to the story
2) Start with: "It was reported from"
3) Insert: location
4) Insert: story with commas instead of periods, commas where there shouldn't be any and LOTS of typos. Remember, Holtville Police Briefs are real.
5) End with: "the caller was advised of their options." (but don't tell us what the options are) or a painfully-obvious resolution.
6) Crack a beer!  You've just written a story worthy of being printed in a small-town newspaper!

Have a Police Brief to submit? Email it to me.

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