Microsoft Introduces Controversial eBigot 2000
Redmond, WA--In a bold attempt to assist Fortune 500 companies in their efforts to maintain racial inequality at the executive level, Microsoft today announced the official release of eBigot 2000 software, an add-on to the ever-popular Windows operating systems.
Says Bill Gates, 44-year-old Chairman and lifelong white male, "The glass ceiling [the invisible boundary that keeps females and minorities from rising into upper management] just isn't doing its job as well as it used to."
Scott Allen, an analyst from Deloitte & Touche, agrees with Gates. "Three years ago, women made up less than 3% of senior managers at the nation's largest companies", says Allen. "That number is growing at an alarming rate. Something must be done."
Enter eBigot 2000.
The powerful program integrates seamlessly with an enterprise's e-mail system, intranet and personnel records to monitor employees who are dangerously close to a promotion into "the good old boys club" without proper credentials.
"Hey skirt, get me some coffee!" demands an eBigot 2000-enabled computer as Janet Plotkin, an up-and-coming manager at General Motors, walks by with an important client. "That's right, you with the big tits. I ain't got all day!" repeats the program. An embarrassed Plotkin hurries her client down a nearby hallway.
"We designed the eBigot 2000 to use any means necessary to highlight the cultural differences and stereotypes of minority and female employees on the fast track to upper management," says Tyler Rosen, lead programmer.
"Racial and gender-based slurs are just the beginning," continues Rosen. "Last week, we received word from one of our clients that their installation of eBigot 2000 beta had accessed the Internet to order lunch for an afternoon meeting hosted by one of their African-American sales directors. Imagine the group's surprise when the delivery person presented the group with eight bags of fried chicken, collard greens and watermelon."
Several organizations, including the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), National Organization for Women (NOW) and the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), have already filed suits against Microsoft for what they are calling a "horribly offensive abuse of human rights".
In its suit, the ACLU cites one case in which Eric Ruiz, a Hispanic manager at Hewlett Packard, faced daily harassment from a copy of eBigot 2000 installed on his computer by upper management. The computer, claims the ACLU and Ruiz, consistently changes his name on all e-mails and Microsoft Word documents to Enrique Juan Pablo Cojones Humberto Garcia Ruiz Jr..
A spokesman for Microsoft responded to the allegations by stating Hell, were too busy dealing with the [Department of Justice] to worry about these liberal hippies. And besides, I thought the ACLU only represented homos.